When it comes to being a self-differentiated leader, we must be sure to keep our emotions in check. This can be extremely difficult to accomplish, especially when you work in a high-stress occupation like education. Most educators feel overwhelmed daily. There have been numerous studies done since the COVID pandemic began showing that educators were at an all-time high for anxiety and depression. An article on EdWeek.org discusses how anxiety and depression rates quadrupled during COVID and were particularly acute with educators rising from 25% to 57% being extremely concerned about burnout and one-quarter of all teachers saying they planned to leave the profession altogether after the end of the school year (Gewirtz, 2021). This means most of our workforce is under pressure. For this reason, we must be even more aware of how we act within the leadership of sensitive groups such as this. If we allow our own anxiety and emotions to be unregulated, we risk failure.

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In a high-stress environment, sabotage is a real issue. Whether intentional or unintentional, sabotage is something that we need to be prepared to deal with. Camp (2010) discusses how when we experience sabotage as a self-differentiated leader, it means we are doing the right thing. Usually, we assume that when things feel as though they are not going well that it means something is going wrong.

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Reading the texts and watching videos in the class assignments reminded me of teaching students or parenting. Both have difficulties when dealing with children. Children are usually not happy when you stay calm. They work their “magic” to try to get a reaction out of you, hoping to make you change the rules or give them what they desire. It does not produce the best result if you give in. Even through all of the pushback, children are relying on us to give them what they need, even if they do not know what that is. We must stay neutral and calm to have effective communication. While leading adults is not parenting, I am able to use the relation to understand that the sabotage that we experience in our careers is something that we do not need to give into. It is still one party being able to stay unemotional so that the conversation can stay productive. Holding your emotions in check and regulating your anxiety is crucial to reaching success.

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This is the area where I plan to focus my efforts. I become emotionally invested in any plan or project I take on. I spend a significant amount of time researching and preparing so that I can meet the needs and collaborate effectively with everyone I am working with. At times, I can take criticism or conversation that is not positive personally. I have always been someone who loves to help others and even when leading, I want to be sure that others are pleased with me and the work I do. The texts in this class have helped me find awareness of how relationships can be damaged by being worried about displeasing others and the risk of being in an emotionally reactive state. Joseph Grenny (2012) said, “I have become more aware of (1) how true emotions can feel during crucial moments, and (2) how false they really are”. This explains exactly how I feel. I am learning how to regulate my emotions and recognize them and wait until I can communicate in an effective manner before sharing or reacting.

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“Leadership through self-differentiation is not easy… Nor is striving or achieving success as a leader without pain: there is the pain of isolation, the pain of loneliness, the pain of personal attacks, the pain of losing friends. That’s what leadership is all about.” ― Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix

 

 

Principals and skills of crucial conversations that I will use to improve my abilities and move my plan forward:

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1. Get Unstuck 

I will be aware of my behaviors to identify the areas where I am “stuck.” I will avoid moving towards silence or violence during crucial conversations. I will be more aware that others bring their own set of beliefs, values, and thoughts to a discussion and they do not have to match mine. Every person has something to share and it is valuable. I will recognize the relationship and why it is important to me. I will recognize areas that I can change, patterns of behaviors that may not be working, and take steps to improve.

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2. Start with the Heart

I will keep in mind that the only person I can control is myself and will do my best not to match the emotions being expressed on the other side. I will be aware of the areas in that I am not allowing others to give input. I will stay sincere and curious by learning to listen without judgment and respect their viewpoints. I will focus on mirroring and paraphrasing what the other party is saying to learn to listen effectively.

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3. Learn to Look

I will spend time getting to know myself and my reactions to stressful situations. After doing the quizzes in Crucial Conversations, I learned that I lean towards withdrawing and the violent side of responses when I feel stressed. I will pay close attention to my reactions to notice areas I can improve. During conversations, I will make a special effort to be aware of myself and take note first of when the conversation becomes crucial, and then when I begin to exhibit signs of withdrawing or reactions of violence. I will watch the other party to notice when they are moving towards violence or silence so I can keep my own reactions under control and lead the conversation in a manner that is productive.

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4. Make it Safe

When I notice that conversations are heading toward silence or violence, I will remove myself from the situation. I plan to apologize when necessary and to clarify what I did not or did mean. I will make it safe for all parties to share their feelings, positive or negative. I will seek mutual purpose.

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5. Master My Stories

I will spend time focusing on the areas that I tell myself ‘stories’ and pay attention to my emotions and rationales or interpretations of situations that may not be valid. I will examine my behavior and feelings to look for areas where I may not be on track. I will question the stories I am telling myself and examine the facts of the situation to come to a clear conclusion of what is truly going on.

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6. STATE My Path

S – Share your facts

T – Tell your story

A – Ask for the other’s paths

T – Talk Tentatively

E – Encourage Testing

(Patterson et. al, 2012)

I will use the steps above to keep myself in check when it comes to crucial conversations. Sharing our facts about the stories we tell ourselves gives the opportunity to learn the facts since our stories are only assumptions. When telling the story and sharing the assumptions, I will be prepared to manage defensiveness and look for times I am moving to signs of silence or violence. I will ask the other party to share their story and assumptions and do it in a tentative way. I will encourage them to speak even if it contradicts what I am saying and be prepared for ways to manage that if they are hesitant. 

 

7. Explore Other Paths

I will stay curious and calm when asking others to share. Crucial Conversations (2012) says we can use Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime to do this. Expressing interest and acknowledging emotions along with restating and/or priming if they need help with expressing themselves will help to have successful communication. These are all skills I will diligently work on to improve my ability to have effective conversations with others. 

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8. Move to Action

This is an area I will be intentional when working on improvement. I will focus on concluding the next steps and make decisions based on the conversation that all parties understand. I will remember that how I end a conversation is just as important as the way I begin it and make a concerted effort to take all steps necessary to move to action after the conversation has ended.

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Leading organizational change requires a leader that can handle crucial moments confidently and influence others to do the same. New change can incite strong emotions with the high stakes and differing opinions that may arise. When implementing the innovation plan into the organization, I plan to take the steps listed above to be a self-differentiated, confident leader and lead my team by example. This will allow effective communication keeping all teams on track to bring our plan to success. I will guide others on the leadership team to do the same resulting in an organization that is functioning at a high level of communication and understanding throughout the implementation of the plan.

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“…by well-differentiated leader…I mean someone who has clarity…someone who is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional processes…someone who can be separate while still remaining connected…someone who can manage his or her own reactivity…and therefore be able to take stands at the risk of displeasing.”

― Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix

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References

 

Camp, J. (2010, November 10). Friedman’s Theory of Differentiated Leadership Made Simple. Www.youtube.com.                                       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew

Gewertz, C. (2021, May 4). Teachers’ Mental Health Has Suffered in the Pandemic. Here’s How Districts Can Help.

           Education Week. https://www.edweek.org/leadership/teachers-mental-health-has-suffered-in-the-pandemic-heres-

           how-districts-can-help/2021/05

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., Mcmillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations : tools for talking when stakes are high.                         Mcgraw-Hill Education.