Last night I woke up at 3 am, sat straight up in bed, and realized I was speaking audibly, into the dark of the room. Took me a second to gather my thoughts. What in the world?! I just shook my head thinking my goodness, these classes are making their way into my subconscious. I laid back and tried to remember my dream.
In my dream, I was speaking about the growth mindset, to Dr. H, and sharing with him the things that I had come to realize through my work in 5302 with the Growth Mindset Plan.
Back story. Before I submitted my assignment, I was a little worried because I wasn't sure it was complete. I had my doubts about the plan I had formulated and knew there were many things I wanted to change or add to it. I ran out of time to perfect it and had to submit. I waited patiently for my grade. When I received it, I noticed a change in my feelings about it.
My entire educational journey from elementary school through my undergraduate degree into my first 8 weeks of my graduate degree, I have had the same feeling about grades. I HAD to make A's. I needed to have near perfect scores to feel like I was capable. Seeing an A made me have pride in my work and was the way I felt good enough. I was smart. I was worthy.
I was shocked by the feeling being different for this assignment. I was happy with my grade but it didn't make me feel better about myself, or that it was some sort of marker anymore of how capable I was. It only meant I was on the right track to understanding. That shift in my inner feelings stopped me in my tracks. It was instant and obvious. It was something that I noticed the second I laid eyes on the grade.
Funny that it made its way into my dreams.
So....back to the dream.
I was speaking to Dr. H, telling him that I felt that I finally "got it". I understood what it meant to be a true learner. That I was a learner! My grades did not define me. And even though I made an A, that didn't mean my work was finished. I would still improve the areas I wanted to before. I had to because I was motivated to learn and create something that was whole. I had to keep going. The A was not my stopping point as it had been in the past. It was just a sign that I could keep on going in the same direction.
I woke up mid-dream, so that was the extent of it. I knew I had to blog about it today to document this change. A change so deeply ingrained that it made its way into my dreams.
Lately, I can see this change creeping into my life in different areas. I see it in the way I interact with my son also now. When he tells me about his grades, I ask what he learned. I ask what his plans are now, where he goes from here, encouraging him to keep going because this is just the beginning. That A is no longer a stopping point for my family, and it no longer defines us. I am no longer held prisoner to the limits that I set for myself in the past.
If only I had learned this years and years ago. But it's never too late. This change is just a starting point for me, a learner.
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